In bed poorly probably means I am not in the best space to write a new blog post but I've had all this going round in my head for quite a while I thought it was as good a time as any to get it down on paper (as it were!)
To cut a long story short, I feel lost in my work. Lost in direction. I'm not quite sure what I am doing or where I am going and I have been feeling that way for quite a while now. Initially I put it down to grief, or depression (for those of you who don't know, my Dad died suddenly 18 months ago and I have been struggling to deal with it) but even now, more balanced on my anti-depressants I am still lost and still questioning what it is I want to be doing. And alongside that, I still don't believe in myself and my work either.
I love sewing, and I love making and I love getting one of those ideas that I just need to drop everything to try out. And I love it when I've dropped everything, tried out that idea and it's worked. It's a good feeling. I feel lucky that I am able to do what it is I love doing but I just don't want to feel as if I am wasting this opportunity by not achieving my best.
I have a steady income of work, mostly personalised cushions or bespoke commissions, and as much as I love the fact I can create what people want, and feel so completely proud that they are happy with what I produce, I still feel like I am missing something. I feel as if I haven't found my 'thing' yet, almost as if I haven't found the direction I want to be going in. I'm not totally satisfied.
Although, the more new stuff I try, the more I feel I am losing even more direction and my portfolio of work seems cluttered and disjointed. I am just not sure which way I need to be going, and I'm not quite sure how to get on that path.
I have spoken with some of my creative friends about how I am feeling, and I have discovered that it isn't just me who feels this way. We all lose our direction at times, question what it is we are doing, and whether it is any good or not. It always surprises me, as I look at everyone else, and they always seem so 'sorted', so good and so focused. But it isn't always the case. We just do a good job of faking it!
And yet, when I speak to friends about their doubts I can always guide them in the right direction, or give them that push that they need. I can see where they need to be going, or help them see what they are doing *is* worth it. Why can't I do that for myself?
But, also I keep asking myself, does it really matter? Does it matter that I haven't found my way yet? Surely the whole process of being creative is to question and learn and discover? I guess it is healthy to be constantly striving to be better otherwise you are just kidding yourself.
I think what I need to be doing is just to keep trying, keep working and keep questioning because I think that is the only way I can grow. And through growing I can find who it is I am, and what it is I want to achieve.